It Doesn't Matter

This is something that I wrote in the wee hours of the morning. There is a lot of back story as to what led me to write this NOW, which I may share one day, but I think that any one that has followed my blog the past couple of years will understand :) I hope you like it!

It Doesn’t Matter

It doesn’t matter that this is not what I had planned because this is what You have planned for me…

It doesn’t matter that I’ve been broken into shards because I’m picking up the pieces and giving every one of them to You…

The disappointments, all the hurt and all the pain no longer matters because You’ve let Your love and grace rain down and wash me clean once again…

It doesn’t matter where I’ve been it only matters that I will follow…

It doesn’t matter what it takes to get me to open my eyes and see the truth, to see Your light, to feel You here right by my side…

It doesn’t matter what it takes I’ll go through it all again just to feel You near, to know Your love never fails and You’ll never let me go…

And as You permeate my soul it doesn’t matter what You had to take away…

Because now Your beauty is everything I see, the gift You have given to me is far beyond anything I could have hoped for…

So Lord, take it all, all of me, all the broken pieces you see and make me holy…

Aside from you, my Lord, my God, it doesn’t matter…

I trust you, Lord

I love you, Lord

Lead me, Lord

Copyright: Jillian Arnould 2012

Where Does The Time G?

Goodness, it's February already? Well, time just flies by quickly!

I know that I promised to try and update y'all daily on my progress with the leg, but life has gotten hectic - in a good way- and honestly, I didn't think you all wanted to hear what's really going on in this head of mine :)

I want to say first, that I am so thankful to be at this part of the journey, I never take that for granted. I am very thankful for the gift of life I have been given. I went in for my 3 months scans again a couple of weeks ago and everything is still clear. PTL! Nothing concerning and I'll go back in April.

The leg has been a challenge, but I knew it would be. What it didn't know is that my pain level would increase as a result of wearing it and that it would be THIS difficult and exhausting not just physcially, but mentally.

I am working on wearing my leg daily, I have PT multiple times a week and right now my goal is just to wear it for longer periods of time and to put one crutch away. I am trying hard to focus on the big picture here. I know that I hate this, yes, I do HATE it, right now, but before long I will (so I'm told) not know how I did without this thing.

Ok, so there's my quick update for those of you wondering. :)

Day #5

This morning I had an appointment with my prosthethis at 8am. I put on my leg at about 7:30am and we left the house to head towards FWB. After being so discouraged over the weekend and perhaps being a little hard on myself, I am so glad that I had an appointment today. When I spoke with Dr. Jack yesterday he was so understanding and encouraging. He truly is a compassionate man and I am so thankful that the Lord once again provided me with a doctor with such expertise!

At the appointment he assured me that I was progressing well and made some adjustments to the brim of my socket. He suggested that I take it a little slower, but also urged me to ensure that I do wear my leg daily. My original plan was to come home and take my leg off, rest up, get it back on and go pick J up from school and take him to a Dr's appointment. I had so many errands to run and also had the chance to catch up with my sweet friend over lunch. It dawned on me on the way back from FWB that if I loosened the strap of velcro that fastens the socket it would relieve the pressure and pain that forces me to take the leg off. Of course, I can only do this while sitting or driving. Which is the perfect time to do so. It enabled me to keep the leg on for 8 1/2 hours!! Of course, the last hour or two I was literally dragging my leg, lol, but I made it through and I don't feel terrible..... yet....  Ok.... well when I got home and took the leg off I pretty much stayed on the couch the rest of the night. It's 10:30pm and I am quite sore. But it is manageable. I don't feel like giving up and I know that tomorrow I will put it back on :)

I start PT tomorrow at 1pm. Please pray for me! I know they are going to work me hard!! I am looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to the challenge, the extra exercise and receiving some training consistently.

I am going to finish a cup of tea and watch Downton Abbey, my new favorite show! Have a great night! I know that I will be resting well indeed!!

Actual Day #4

Since I didn't wear my prosthetic on Saturday or Sunday due to pain, etc. I am not going to be counting them. Therefore, Monday, January 9, would have been day #4.

I was hesitant to put on the leg after all the pain and soreness that plagued me in the previous days, but after much urging and encouragement from my prosthethis I went ahead and put it on around 2pm. I wore the leg until 4pm. I did some light housework while wearing and some work from the computer as well, so it wasn't overly exhausting.

After taking a break for a few hours I put it back on in the evening and was only able to wear it for an hour. I hated to take it off so early, especially after regressing over the weekend, but I had to do what I had to do.

It was a better day all and all. It helped a great deal that I hadn't worn it for two days, so the pain and soreness had subsided.

It is of utmost importance that I wear my leg everyday, even if I can't do it for long, I must just put it on.

Day #4

Went to bed early last night. I was in a good bit of pain. I was so excited to have no alarm on Saturday.
4am: Woke up. Lots of pain, muscle spasms and cramps. So much for sleeping in. Up from 4-9ish in lots of pain. Fell asleep and woke up at 1pm. Oops. This is taking a lot out of me apparently.

Muscle pains, spasms, exhaustion=No leg today.

Trying again tomorrow.

Day #3

Today I am scheduled to wear my leg for a total of four hours. I went ahead and put it on this morning at 10am. It was a bit easier to get on this morning, I guess I am beginning to get the hang of getting into it and it went on fairly quickly. I didn't time it, but I'm thinking that it tool about 5-10 minutes.

I have my first show of the year tonight, so I have a good bit of work to do around the house in order to prepare. That means there was not much time for sitting or taking it easy while wearing the prosthetic. So, I got in the kitchen for a little over an hour and washed the dishes, cleaned up and made brownies. After that I was hurting a good bit so I decided to sit while the brownies were baking and get some work done from my computer.  After 1 1/2 hours I was so ready to get it off! The last half hour seemed to barely creep by. Finally I got to take it off at 12!

Have I mentioned how great it feels to take that leg off? Soooooo good!

I was in an awful lot of pain after I took it off, so I thought I would just lay on the couch and rest. There was still so much to get done, but I knew I couldn't go hoppin' around the house right away. I totally fell asleep and woke up at 1:45!! Oops!

Put the leg back on at 2:30.... it's 2:50 now and I want it OFF!!! Going to push through... Gotta run to pick up Jarred from the bus stop, swing by the grocery store, come home and finish making a trifle then pack everything up for my Pampered Chef party tonight. I have to wear the leg until 4:30. I can do this...... Phil 4:13.......

Came home to finish getting ready for the party. So much to do and the leg was hurting and in the way. 4pm: took it off. I'm done.

This is not easy.

Day #2

Well, today went much better! I've just resolved to put on the leg and wear it regardless of how I feel about it. Today I wore it for a little over three hours. I was scheduled to wear it fro 1 1/2 hours twice. I didn't have much scheduled to do away from home today. I was supposed to go out to San Destin for our Pampered Chef back to business meeting and my amazing Director graciously offered to come here. That was such a blessing and a relief.

So I put on my leg early this afternoon and wore it for about 1 1/2 hours. I didn't do much. I sat down and did a good bit of work on my computer, fixed myself lunch and then I walked carrying my plate and glass to the living room to eat. I guess that wouldn't sound like much of a big deal to most people, but it was a huge deal to me. I also decided that today I would put the crutches down and just walk around without them. I know that I am bound to fall and am not scared of doing so, I mean it's gonna happen eventually and happen more than once. Well, anyway, it was way easier not to have them to contend with. When it is just me here it is easier to focus so I feel comfortable doing that. When there is a lot more going on then I need to use them for now. Or when I'm out in public. So, after my time was up I took it off and all was fine.

I ended up putting it back on around 5ish and wore it until about 7ish. I cleaned up the house a little, cooked some dinner and just stood up for a while to get used to putting weight on that side. We had dinner and by that time I was more than ready to take it off. I don't feel like I am in an incredible amount of pain today. I mean I'm sore.... really sore.... but it is tolerable at least.

I start physical therapy next week. I don't know yet how often I will go. I am hoping a lot so that I can get this down quickly.

Well, that's today's news. It was a better day. I can feel your prayers. Thank you. I am hoping tomorrow will be even better. I have a PC party tomorrow night, so I guess the question is do I wear it there or not? Probably not. We shall see though :)